STEPHEN LYNCH – You’ll Do

[VERSE 1 Stephen + (Courtney):]
I’ve been drinking here since 5, it’s 2AM and everybody’s gone
The bar man’s cleaning up, the jukebox off and all the lights are on
(I look up from my PBR, and see your desperate stare)
(Well, you’re a drunk and I’ve got low esteem, we make a perfect pair)

[CHORUS 1 {Both} + Stephen:]
{And we can read each other’s minds}
{Tonight we’re the best that we could find}
There’s no one left but you – {I guess you’ll do}
{I guess you’ll do}

[VERSE 2 (Courtney) + Stephen:]
(You’re not the kind of guy I would ever tell me friends about)
I smell like Taco Bell, you’ll probably get sick when we make out
(And I bet you’ve never been with someone quite my size)
Yeah, but your face not so bad, if I kinda squint my eyes

[CHORUS 2 {Both} + Stephen:]
{And even though you’re gonna laugh}
{For the minute a half} that I’m inside of you
{I guess you’ll do}
{I guess you’ll do}

[BRIDGE {Both} + Stephen + (Courtney):]
{We wear our desperation well} walking into this motel
{A scent of sadness fills the room} along with your cheap perfume
(…And Taco Bell)
{And Taco Bell}

[CHORUS 2 {Both} + Stephen:]
{And I don’t mean to be unkind}
{But baby, even you don’t mind} an STD or two
{I guess you’ll do}
{I guess you’ll do}
I guess you’ll do

STEPHEN LYNCH – Whiskey Dick

Oh my God, I feel sick
Drank too much, whiskey dick
Tried so hard with this chick
Still too soft, whiskey dick

Rise it must, point to prove
Wait, I just felt it move
Tried a-gain, have no doubt
Now it’s in, fell back out

Pleasure she is not receiving
Bored and angry, now she’s leaving
It just lies there, looking guilty
Small and shrivelled, white and wilty

Did your best, gave up quick
Get some rest, whiskey dick

STEPHEN LYNCH – Walken II

I’m sorry but I don’t know what to do.
I just need more Cowbell
Tall glass O’water is my favorite
because it has cowbell
Thats funny to you engineer man in the corner
You don’t know nothing man
Lets do a song Stephen Lynch and I
you know what thats crazy.. I gotta go

STEPHEN LYNCH – Vanilla Ice Cream

Have a seat and listen,
Please don’t say a thing.
In matters of the heart sometimes,
The truth will have a sting.

Just don’t take it personally:
This is no attack.
But we will never last, because I’m white
And you are… also white.

I only like black girls, the brown girls, the café au lait.
Oh, caramel girls and mocha girls just blow me away.
If you’re a nubian,
I want you to be in
Every fantasy,
But if you’re a whitey,
Say nighty-nighty,
You’re just not the girl for me.

Oh, I hate vanilla ice cream, I like chocolate instead.
I hope she likes her soul food with a little Wonder Bread.
Don’t call it Jungle Fever, ’cause that just isn’t right.
I am not a racist: some of my best friends are white.

I just prefer black girls, the brown girls, the café au lait.
Oh, caramel girls and mocha girls just blow me away.
If you’re a cracker,
You better get blacker,
Or else you best get out.
It is no mystery,
I like a sister, see,
That’s what I’m talkin’ about.

Our wedding song will be “Ebony and Ivory”,
And we’ll sing Christmas carols ’round the old Kwanza tree.
But color is not the issue here: it’s dignity, it’s class.
It’s all about her heart. … OK, it’s partly about that ass!

I want me some black girl, the brown girl, the café au lait.
Oh, caramel girls and mocha girls just blow me away.
If you’re a honkey,
You’re singin’ the wrong key,
It’s the honest truth.
The skin that she’s dwellin’ in
Must contain melanin:
That is the Fountain of Youth.

Thomas Jefferson.

Robert DeNiro.

David Bowie.

To a certain extent… Ted Dansen.

Strom Thurmond!! Strom Thurmond!! Yeeeahh…

Stephen Lynch

STEPHEN LYNCH – Too Jesusy

Oh baby, you were such a tease
Only get down on your knees to pray
To pray
And something in your Bible says
Not to let me share your bed today
Today

Oh, now I see
That you turned out to be
Too Jesusy for me

Our life was filled with sexy and kink
Cigarettes and weed, and drink and beer
And beer
Now it’s Bible verse and Bible class
And Bible shove it up your arse, my dear
My dear

‘Cause you and me
Plus Jesus makes three
That’s too Jesusy for me

You and I are through
Can I please get an Amen?
‘Cause I got bored with you
When you got all born again

I’m sick of hearing about that guy
His magic kingdom in the sky above
Above
So take that precious cross you wear
And give yourself a Linda Blair, my love
My love

If Jesus were me
Even he would agree
You’re too Jesusy for me, for me
Too Jesusy for me

STEPHEN LYNCH – The Night I Laid You Down

We were young, maybe twenty
You wore a white dressing gown
Drinking wine and dancing slowly
On the night I laid you down

And the moonlight revealed your body
As the radio played some old Phil Collins songs
And we believed in something holy
On the night I laid you down

We had love in our eyes
We passion in our souls
There was fire in our kisses
But it was not a Phil Collins song

It might have been like Mike
The Mechanics
I don’t know who that is
Yes, you do, he was the other guy in Genesis
Mmmm, I’m pretty sure that it was Phil Collins
No, it wasn’t
On this night I laid you down

Any way
it doesn’t matter
Any way
doesn’t matter
We made love
We made love
‘Til the dawn
Two hearts beating
Two hearts beating
is all we heard
Oh boy, here we go
Besides that old
There was fuckin’ no
Phil Collins song

Well, it might have been that song from the movie with the jambox
Say anything
That’s the one
Who the hell mixes up Peter Gabriel with Phil Collins
Well fuck you, I guess I’m no expert in fucking nineties music whatever
No, you’re not eighties
On the night I laid you down
On the night I laid you down

STEPHEN LYNCH – The Gathering

Dare I say, the greatest poets of our day
Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent Jay;
The hip hip clowns
Haters see just white-trash family
They say fan of I.C.P.
must have the downs

I don’t care, I love them so
Cornrow my hair and drink Faygo
I’m every where – I am Juggalo

Let us sing of the annual gathering
Come see a cultural happening, and also tits
Call us sick, say you hate our wigger schtick
But it’s about the music, and also tits

You put us down but you don’t know
I’m a proud clown, and so’s my hoe
I wear the crown of Juggalo

Come along to the posse show
Our bond is strong, like magnets, yo
I sing this song for the Juggalo

STEPHEN LYNCH – Tennessee

I see rocky mountains and great lakes
Stood beneath a redwood tree
But wherever I go my heart aches
For a place called Tennessee

Oh come with me
Where the Whiskey flows like whine
And the meth labs are divine
Oh I wanna be
Where the sweet tobacco grows
And is picked by porny groves
In Tennessee

Oh it’s a place where dueling banjos play
And the mountain folk run free
Where all the children can spell kay kay kay
But cannot spell Tennessee

Oh come with me
Where every cheek is filled with chew
And everyone’s never seen a jew
Oh I wanna be
Where the hotdogs are deep friend
That’s the reason Elvis died
In Tennessee

Oh come with me
Where the backstreet preachers shout
That if your gay you best get out
Oh I wanna be
Where hospitality is a thing
Just ask Martin Luther King
Shoot in Tennessee

The birth place of Aretha queen of soul
The BB king in Al Gore
I’m not saying it’s a shit hole
But they don’t live there anymore

Oh I wanna see
Mountain dew in every cup
And all the dentists just gave up
Oh come with me
On my fat bed pickup truck
That’s were the classy ladies fuck
In Tennessee

Oh in Tennessee

STEPHEN LYNCH – Tattoo

You got a unicorn, butterfly, angel wings, inner thigh
Queer tattoo, that’s a queer tattoo
Flaming skull, smoking pot, that’s the opposite of not a
Queer tattoo, it’s a queer tattoo

You’ve got a tweety bird, you got a school mascot, got a hello kitty
Tell you what you got, got a queer tattoo, such a queer tattoo
You think that symbol in Japanese, means strength or honor
Niger please it means queer tattoo, that’s a queer tattoo

Any lower back tattoo is queer, it might as well say insert cock here
Whore tattoo, that’s a whore tattoo
And that teardrop under your eye that you got in prison cause you killed a guy
That’s a cool tattoo, sir that’s a cool tattoo

You’ve got a comedy mask, got a tragedy mask, any fucking mask,
Then you must have asked for a queer tattoo, give me your most queer tattoo
You’re child’s name with the words be strong, would be beautiful
But they spelled strong wrong, yeah they spelled it stong, your stupid kid will now be stong,
How the hell they get that wrong, weren’t you watching when they put that shit on

You love your laughing Jesus tat,
But that’s just Jesus laughing at your queer tattoos,
So many queer tattoos

I guess you got that tribal band,
From the tribe indigenous to the land of queer tattoos,
We’re the queer tattoos

You got barbwire, got a poker ace, got that fucked up thing on mike tyson’s face,
Got a queer tattoo, a sewiously queer tattoo

And by queer i just mean bad it wouldn’t mean gay unless you had
A pink triangle on a rainbow flag, with a bear wearing leather
And a red ball gag, that’s a queer tattoo, a literally queer tattoo

STEPHEN LYNCH – Special

When I was a boy of 10, I had a very best friend
Ed was kind, with good intent
But just a little different

Oh, special Ed
Mama dropped him on his head
Now he’s not so bright instead
He’s a little bit special
Just a little bit

We’d play tag, and he’d get hurt
I’d play soldier, he’d eat dirt
I liked math, and the spelling bee
Ed liked talking to a tree

Oh, special Ed
Mama dropped him on his head
Now she keeps him in the shed
Cause he’s a little bit special
Just a little bit

I ran track, hung out in malls
Ed ran headfirst into walls
I had girls, and lots of clothes
Ed had names for all his toes

Oh, special Ed
Mama dropped him on his head
Now he thinks he’s a piece of bread
Cause he’s a little bit special
Just a little bit

One day while talking to special Ed
He grabbed a brick and he swung at my head
And as he laughed at me thats when I knew
That special Ed just made me special too
Now I laugh as I count bugs
I give strangers great big hugs
Next to me Ed is fine
Yeah he’s a fucking Einstein

Oh, Special Ed (and me)
Now we’re not right in the head (you see)
Now we’re not so bright instead
We’re a little bit special
Just a little bit special
That fucker Ed made me special
Just a little bit
Just a little bit … special

STEPHEN LYNCH – So This Is Outer Space?

So this is outer space
What a lovely place
I can’t wait to tell the human race
Hello alien will you be my friend
Wait there’s something I can’t comprehend
It’s not outer space at all
I’m just at the mall
Holy shit I’m freaking out y’all

Your on acids
Your on acids
Your on acids

Oh that’s right lets go to the arcade

LCD will keep me sane
Help me reach a higher plane
According to the spiders in my brain
Hey there’s a girl I now
I should say hello
But her face is melting
Got to go
I’m freaking out again
Where’s that alien
I need him to tell me that this trip will end

Your on acids
Your on acids
Your on acids

All the colors pretty colors

I met the devil he was at a Cinnabon
With a monkey named Ramone
Oh there was dancing on a seven headed snake
Man this acid’s way to strong
Acid’s way to strong

In a psychedelic state
Watch my pupils dilate
Staring in this mirror
For three hours strait
My reflection starts to glow
And says man it’s time to go

Hey reflection please don’t
Harsh my mellow bro
Oh there’s that alien
Sir we meet again
I’ve got a tab of window pain
For you my friend
Take to much
You’ll peak to soon
What a crazy afternoon
Me and the navy and our
Tripping balls to the moon

Were on acids
Were on acids
Were on acids

Got so left for the devil and Ramone

STEPHEN LYNCH – Priest

Deep in prayer, my cross to wear
I kneel upon the floor
Temptations of a catholic priest aren’t easy to ignore
But I can not control myself
He rips my soul apart
For one small sheep among my flock has
Stolen the shepherd’s heart

Altar boy, altar boy
Confess your sins to me
You will find the grace of God
Inside my rectory

Sunday mass or bible class
I catch him in my view
I close my eyes but there he lies
Spread-eagle on the pew
And when I see him in that frock
My conscience goes awry
I’ll give him some communion wine thats
Spiked with Spanish fly

Altar boy, altar boy
Is it gonna be heaven or hell?
You can play my organ all night long
If you promise never to tell

… Our father
Who art in heaven
Hallowed be thy name…
I could dress him up like the pope and then I’d…
Oh dear god, the shame, oh no
Lead us not into temptation
Deliver us from sin
Or we could pretend that he was Jesus Christ
and I was Mary Magdalene

Altar boy, altar boy
Confess your sins to me
You will find the grace of God
Inside my rectory

Altar boy, oh altar boy
Confess your sins to me
You will find the grace of God
Inside my rec…

…tory

STEPHEN LYNCH – No Meat

Vegan living, so healthy and clean
So much brown rice, so many mung beans
And no meat, not one bite of meat
Juicy meat, succulent meat.

Instead I get, gluten and sea weed stew.
Rice milk and lentils and fuckin tofu
I respect every creature from horse, fowl and owl
I’d blow a goat for some bacon right now
Yeah I’d blow a goat for some bacon, right now

You eat your southern fried chicken
And I’ll just have fruit
How’s that T-bone?
No really, it’s cool
I’ll just chew on this turnip root
With a couple chick peas
Kill me please

I’m tired of hummus
And bulgur wheat
Tofurkey tofuck yourself
I want some meat
I respect every creature the birds and the bees
Well I’d eat the shit out some Whopper with cheese
Believe me I’d fuck up that Whopper with cheese

(Whoa) alfalfa sprouts and a red bean
A handful of trail mix
Mmm what a treat
How about some soy yogurt served in a bowl?
I’d rather eat a hobo’s asshole
Yeah I’d rather eat a hobo’s asshole

STEPHEN LYNCH – Let Me Inside

Will you show me your heart?
Will you open it wide?
Expose the raw nerves
Will you let me inside?
Can you tear down the wall?
For the mortar has dried
Will you show me your heart?
Will you let me inside?

There’s not to infer
And nothing implied
I literally mean
Will you let me inside?

I am at your front door
It’s not open, I tried
It’s cold as ball out here
Let me inside

You know when it’s dark
I get terrified
Come on seriously, will you let me inside?
I think I just saw a possum
All beaded eyed
Those things fucking scare me
Please let me inside
(Let me inside)

Are you angry with me?
Are you preoccupied?
Are you taking a shit and can’t let me inside?
I can smell from the kitchen
The food that you fried
I’ve had half of a power bar
Let me inside
(Let me inside)

How can this situation be rectified?
Hey, here’s an idea, fucking let me inside
Tried to climb through your window
But I was too wide
You should get bigger windows
Or let me inside
(Let me inside)

Are you with a new guy?
That you’re trying to hide
Girl, I’m down for a threesome
Just let me inside

Ok, that’s the last straw
I’m a man, I’ve got pride
And my toesies are freezing
Please let me inside
(Let me inside)

Will you show me your heart?
Will you open it wide?
Expose the raw nerves
Will you let me inside?
Can you tear down the wall?
For the mortar has dried
Till then I’ll be sitting here
Waiting out…

STEPHEN LYNCH – Jim Henson’s Dead

Pokemon’s a silly faze
Barney’s now just purple haze
The Power Rangers lost their will to fight

Yeah the pigs in space, they rule the sky
And Oscar’s still a grouchy guy
And Animal is looking dyno-mite

Oh Jim Henson’s dead and gone
But his muppets will live on
And Kermit’s still hot, ’cause it’s still not
Easy being, green

Bert is mad ’cause Ernie can’t hear
With a banana in his ear
They must learn how to cooperate

Yeah The Count is counting One Two Three
And no one laughs at poor Fozzie
And Scooter’s pissed ’cause Raulf is always late

Oh Jim Henson’s dead and gone
But his muppets will live on
And Kermit’s still hot, ’cause it’s still not
Easy being 1 2 3 4 5, 6 7 8 9 10, 11, 12

Now Miss Piggy’s just a big slab of pork
To the Swedish Chef who says “Mmm, pork pork pork”
And Cookie Monster wants another, bite

Yeah and Big Bird well he just can’t see
Why the two old guys in the balcony
Think Snufalufagus is out of, site

Oh Jim Henson’s dead and gone
But his muppets will live on
And Kermit’s still hot, ’cause it’s still not
Easy being, green

Oh Jim Henson’s dead and gone
But his muppets will live on
And Kermit’s still hot, ’cause it’s still not
Easy being, green

Easy being green, no

STEPHEN LYNCH – Intro (Super Karate Monkey Death Car)

hey lynch
ya?
have you seen my gerbil?
hmmm??
my gerbil have you seen my gerbil
ummmmmmm no

STEPHEN LYNCH – Intro (Gortengar Trail)

Seven, eight, nine, ten.
Olie, olie oxenfree!
Ed come on.
Kids.
No, it’s hide and seek.
You’re supposed to hide when you’re
Find a tree or something, hide
Come on Ed, oh Jesus.
{I like rocks!}

STEPHEN LYNCH – Intro (Curly Mcdimple)

Oh, you’re so beautiful, baby.
Oh, your hair.
And I just, I love kissing your neck.
Oh, look at this little belly button. Look at that.
And I love you just..

What the fuck

STEPHEN LYNCH – Hey Love

Love hurts
Love’s a cruel master
Love’s a killer
Love’s a rotten bastard

Hey love, I’m done with you
Love will break your heart
I hate loving hating love

Love’s a douchebag
Love wears Ed Hardy
Love’s a member of the Tea Party

Hey love, go fuck yourself
Love likes Nickelback
I hate loving hating love

Oooohhh, aaahhh
Love has Ann Coulter’s face

Love’s a fan of the Boston Red Sox
Love is a white guy with dreadlocks
Hey, love I can’t believe
You like Nickelback

I hate loving hating love
I la la la la la la la la
I la la la la la la la la la la

Love’s a cunt

STEPHEN LYNCH – Hermaphrodite

She’s part girl, she’s part boy
She’s got parts everyone can enjoy
She’s got more, she’s got less
She’s got her man hood tucked in her dress

Is she a mister or is she a miss?
Does she stand up when shes taking a piss?
She’s my little girl, yeah, she’s my little guy
When I try to please her I get poked in the eye

She wears lace and she wears flannel
She watched football and the Lifetime Channel
What’s that buldge under her nightie?
It must be hermaphrodite, yeah, hermaphrodite

Some things are white
Some things black
Some girls wear makeup
Mine shaves her back

She is still beautiful, she is still fine
It’s too bad her package is bigger than mine

She can’t help her imperfections
She gets jock itch from her yeast infections
Who stole all my tighty whities?
It must be hermaphrodite, yeah