STEPHEN LYNCH – Hair

There’s a hair on the soap
and it’s short and it’s curly

There’s a hair on the soap
and I don’t think it’s mine

STEPHEN LYNCH – Gerbil

I bought a gerbil from the petting zoo
If Richard Gere can do it I can too
I get undressed, start to lube
I stick the gerbil in the end of the tube

Wondering just how he’ll feel
Will he like it better than his little wheel
Careful now he’s right beside me
One more inch and he’s inside me

Go, gerbil go
Burrow harder, burrow deeper
Be my little chimney sweeper
One thing I forgot about
How am I supposed to get you out?

So now my Gerbils on easy street
It’s warm and cozy and there’s plenty to eat
The situation is beyone my control
Gotta find a way to get him out of his hole

I try crowbars, I try wires
I almost had him with a pair of pliers
I try cheese but he’s not biting
I wish this wasn’t so exciting

Go, gerbil go
Jesus I am such a sucker
Please get out you furry fucker
I think I am getting ill
Suddenly he’s very very still

Now it’s too late
My gerbil died
I guess I have commited gerbicide
Here’s some advice
It’s very clear cut
If you love your gerbil
Don’t stick him up your butt
Don’t stick him up your butt
Little furry gerbil in your booty hole
Don’t stick him up and you put him in the end and he won’t come out
Yeah

STEPHEN LYNCH – Gay

Here we are dear old friend
You and I drunk again
Laughs have been had and and tears have been shed
Maybe the whiskey’s gone to my head

But if I were gay
I would give you my heart
And if I were gay
You’d be my work of art
And if I were gay
We would swim in romance
But I’m not gay
So get your hand out of my pants

It’s not that I dont care – I do
I just don’t see myself in you
Another time, another scene
I’d be right behind you, if you know what I mean

‘Cause if I were gay
I would give you my soul
And if I were gay
I would give you my whole being
And if I were gay
We would tear down the walls
But I’m not gay
So won’t you stop cupping my … hand

We’ve never hugged
We’ve never kissed
I’ve never been intimate with your fist
You have opened brand new doors
Get over here and drop your drawers

STEPHEN LYNCH – Dear Diary 3

Dear Diary,
Today was a fine day
I got the music in my soul
I’m writing songs and making records
I feel my life is finally whole
I can’t wait to tell my father
To see what he will say

Peace and love diary,
Marvin Gaye

STEPHEN LYNCH – Craig

Everyone knows Jesus,
The man who healed the lame,
But I am Jesus’ brother:
Craig is my name.

Jesus is the Prince of Peace,
Jesus is the Lamb,
Jesus is the Son of God,
But Craig don’t give a damn.

Because when Craig’s in sight,
We’ll party all damn night!
I don’t turn water into wine,
But into cold Coors Light!
I’m not my brother, I know,
Don’t walk on H2O,
But I got hydroponic shit that me and Judas grow!

I’m fuckin’ Craig!
I’m fuckin’ Craig!
Yeah, I’m fuckin’ Craig!
Craig Christ.

I hang out with lepers,
Barabas and Salome.
Jesus’ friends are called Apostles;
Those dudes are totally gay.

Jesus performs miracles
From Galilee to Rome,
But it would be a miracle
If he brought a fuckin’ lady home.

Because while Jesus is prayin’,
Fuckin’ Craig is layin’
Every lady in the Testament,
You know what I’m sayin’?
I won’t die for your sin
Like my famous kin,
But if you’ve got a little sister,
Then there’s room at this inn!

I’m fuckin’ Craig!
Yeah, I’m fuckin’ Craig!
I’m fuckin’ Claagh!
Craig Christ.

Jesus was our mother’s fave.
All her love to him she gave.
But there’s no sibling rivalry
When he’s nailed to that tree! Yeeeeeaaaaaaahhhhhhh!

And now the question for you,
Is not “What Would Jesus Do?”,
But where will you be
When the Craig Machine comes partyin’ through?
And if the Lord will allow,
You’ve got to ask yourself how,
And who and why and when and where is your messiah now?

It’s fuckin Craig!
It’s Fuckin’ Craig!
Fuckin’ Craig!
Fuckin’ Craig!
I’m fuckin’ Craig!
Craig Christ.
Craig Christ.
Craig Christ.
I’m fuckin’ Craig.

STEPHEN LYNCH – Bitch

Had to see you one last time
There’s something on my mind
How do I say what needs to be said?
The words are hard to find

How about bitch give me my money
I want my money and i want it fast
Hey, bitch give me my money
Else I’m ’bout to take it out your ass

STEPHEN LYNCH – Lion

[Narration]
“Howdy, folks. This next song is a story of a gal who just
couldn’t choose between to fellers. One was about the nicest
guy you ever met, and the other one, well, he’s kind of a
dick. Let’s listen in as these boys settle it the only way
they know how; through singing. And a 1, and a 2… ”

Make a choice – will it be
A guy who really, really loves you baby, baby
Or a guy like me?

I would comfort you when you’re sad
Well, I would just leave you crying
I would protect you if a lion attacked you
Not trying to fuck with no lion

I would fight a man for your honor
I don’t know no kung fu
I’d carry you across a muddy field
Bitch, these Jordans are new

Make a choice – will it be
A guy who really, really loves you baby, baby
Or a guy like me?

I would read you romantic poetry
I’ll leave that shit on the shelf
My love making would be sweet and tender
This thing ain’t sucking itself, no

I would take you to the finest restaurants
Here’s an old Baby Ruth
I would tell you how pretty you look tonight
And I would tell you the truth

Make a choice – will it be
A guy who really, really loves you baby, baby
Or a guy like me?

But ba-by, baby
The choice is up to you
So pick me quickly
‘Cause I’ve got shit to do
It’s true dear, I do dear
I want you to be mine
But let’s be clear here
I’m still not fighting no lion…

[Narration]:
“Let’s see what happens next…

Every day I’d say how much I love you
… I would not
I’d surprise you with gifts and flowers
I’d spend your money on pot, yeah

We would stay up all night just talking
I’d fall asleep when I came
I’d spell your name out with a thousand rose petals
I don’t remember your name!

Make a choice – will it be
A guy who really, really loves you baby, baby
Or a guy like me?

Make a choice – will it be
A guy who really, really loves you baby, baby
Or a guy like me?

[Narration]:
“See? I told you he was kind of a dick.”

Steelheart