SMOSH – Ultimate Assassin’s Creed III Song

How many fools can I kill today?
Too many to count, don’t get in my way
I shoot a mo’fo in the throat with my bow
Tomahawk chop is my death blow

Freedom fighting machine
Big-ass hatchet in hand
Why’d you have to kill my bros?
I’m-a slash your face, man

I’m a very skilled assassin
Killin’ dudes in ones and twos
Blood flowin’ like a river
Need a box of tissues

When I’m huntin’, I be stuntin’
You can never find me
In the bushes,
In the haystacks,
In your mother’s laundry

Watch me comin’, free runnin’ up the walls
LIKE A BOSS
What you lookin’ at, bitch?
Taste my tomahawk chop!

How many fools can I kill today?
Too many to count, don’t get in my way
I shoot a mo’fo in the throat with my bow
Tomahawk chop is my death blow

How many fools can I kill today?
Too many to count, don’t get in my way
I shoot a mo’fo in the throat with my bow
Tomahawk chop is my death blow

From Boston to NY
Always up to no good
Don’t know how I can see
Out this big-ass hood

Walkin’ through the crowds
Touchin’ you on the back
Using my hidden blade
For a secret attack

Jumpin’ off giant buildings
Like I was Super Man
use your mama as a meat shield
Every time that I can

Take a break from the war
To hunt for some meat
“What? A man’s gotta eat!”

How many fools can I kill today?
Too many to count, don’t get in my way
I shoot a mo’fo in the throat with my bow
Tomahawk chop is my death blow

How many fools can I kill today?
Too many to count, don’t get in my way
I shoot a mo’fo in the throat with my bow
Tomahawk chop is my death blow

Up first in the verse
Feel the clack of wooden teeth
Bread and butter, lift the covers
Where you’ll find the fuckin’ heat

Revolution I lead
With the world, I got beef
I dig my wigs powdered, wear boxers-
I don’t wear briefs!

You can’t step up to me
And my gang
Horse and carriage drive-bys
Bullet in the chamb’

Ridin’ over your clique
Like the Delaware, son
I’ll get my face on the dollar
Before this shit’s done!

How many fools can I kill today?
Too many to count, don’t get in my way
I shoot a mo’fo in the throat with my bow
Tomahawk chop is my death blow

How many fools can I kill today?
Too many to count, don’t get in my way
I shoot a mo’fo in the throat with my bow
Tomahawk chop is my death blow

SMOSH – The Legend Of Zelda Rap

Yeah, my name is Link, man
More well known than ‘Lil Wayne
Oh you thought my name was Zelda?
(That’s a fucking girl’s name!)

I’ve saved the world like 15 times
And saved the princess from demise
And I do it all alone
With no help and no advice

(Hey, look, listen)
Hey look listen you fucking annoying fairy
I’d rather be forced to listen
To constant Katy Perry

I think it’s about time
I got some recognition
Don’t you think
Legend of Zelda?
Screw that!
Legend of Link!

[Chorus]
Cause he’s the
L to the I to the n to the k
Wears tights everyday
Don’t give a damn what you say
Got bigger balls than even
Evel Knievel and he ain’t
Gonna stop till the world
Is free of evil

I’ll break all your pots
And I best not hear you bitchin’
I’ve got the triforce of courage
Bitch
So you better listen

That’s right
I’m called the bushwhacker
And my bank account’s maxed out
Got 999 rupees and my leather wallet’s packed now

Can’t back down can’t slack now
The world needs me to attack now
Yet I’m forced to pay out the ass
For these bombs in castle town
Just give me some heart containers
And let me spit on my ocarina
So I can kick that dumb-ass Ganon
All the way to Argentina

[Chorus]

[Ganon]
Yo you low life elf
Need a ride up to the north pole
Santa’s got a thing for elves
Gettin’ his marriage annulled

You really think savin’ the princess
Will convince me your straight?
The uggs and skirt fad is so 2008

[Link]
Oh snap!
It’s Ganondorf tryin’ to jock on my style
Batman’s cape? Lincoln’s beard?
Were you dressed by a child?

You’re a ginger with no soul!
And you look like a fucking troll
Isn’t kidnapping helpless girls
Gettin’ a little bit old

[Ganon]
You think Zelda’s stupid enough to get
Kidnapped so often
She runs off into my castle
Into my room and begs to get locked in
Ya she’s sick of your little deku nuts
And your girly fairy face
L-i-n-k more like
L-i-n-Gay

[Link]
Man you should have been aborted
Just like the jersey shore
Its a damn lie you told about Zelda
‘Cause she loves my master sword
It’s a shame your whole life’s been a waste
Tryin’ to rule Hyrule
Cause today will be known as
The day you got schooled!

[Chorus in background]

SMOSH – Segway Polo

Whoa yeah, Segway Polo
Gotta hit the ball with the wooden mallet
Even the professionals don’t know how to ride a segway scooter
It’s okay bro, hug it out, yeah.

Hit the ball into the goal
Because that’s how you win at Segway Polo
This is the most intense sport I’ve ever-
Whoa! That guy’s wearing lederhosen yeah

Oh no! There appears to be a dispute on the field!
This German dude is really pissed off
Dude, chill out. It’s just Segway Polo
Kid Rock was not paid enough to listen to your crap

There’s an ambulence in case you get a boo-boo
There’s a merch table in case you want to buy crap
Electric unicycles pretty much kick ass!
This guy’s going through a mid-life crisis

Segway Polo, heck yeah!
Kid Rock, heck yeah!
Black people, Heck yeah!
Bouncing boobies, HECK YEAH!!!

This guy’s waiting for some surprise butt ass
HERE IT COMES!
Look at me mom! I’m failing on the internet!
This guy’s getting tired of playing Segway Polo
Because standing on a segway is very physically demanding

Oh snap! It’s tied! Have to go to a shoot out!
I’m super excited! They’re super excited!
LET’S DO THIS!

Shoot
Miss
Shoot
Miss
Shoot
Miss
Shoot
Miss
Shoot
Whoa score!
YOU WIN!
Now hump your teammate!

SMOSH – Pokemon Theme Song Revenge

It was the year 2005, Youtube had just begun
So we made a video, just for fun
We lip synced the Pokemon theme, we thought it was alright
But randomly, some dick removed it, claiming copyright

POKEMON, YOU DON’T KNOW THE LAW
Why can’t you see, it was a parody
POKEMON
Oh, you used to be cool, ’til you turned into a tool

POKEMON, YOU CAN GO TO HELL
It got tons of views, your legal team’s full of n00bs
Mess with me and I’ll teach you,
POKEMON!

TRY TO SUE US NOW!
Try to sue us now!

Had 24 million views
The most viewed on YouTube’s space
But the legal douches flagged it
Robbed our rightful place

Let’s kick their ass, the time is right
There’s no better team
Arm-in-arm we’ll win the fight
It’s always been our dream!

POKEMON, YOU DON’T KNOW THE LAW
Why can’t you see, it was a parody
POKEMON
Oh, you used to be cool, ’til you turned into a tool

POKEMON, YOU CAN GO TO HELL
It got tons of views, your legal team’s full of n00bs
Mess with me and I’ll teach you,
POKEMON!

TRY TO SUE US NOW!
Try to sue us now!

Try to sue us now…

POKEMON, YOU DON’T KNOW THE LAW
Why can’t you see, it was a parody
POKEMON
Ooooh, you used to be cool, til you turned into a tool

POKEMON, YOU CAN GO TO HELL
It got tons of views, your legal team’s full of noobs
Mess with me and I’ll teach you
POKEMON!

TRY TO SUE US NOW!
POKEMON!

SMOSH – My Fanny Pack

Walkin’ down the street and everybody’s starin’
Just jealous of what I’m wearin’
That’s right it’s a fanny pack, bitches
Hot pink and matches my britches

You’re thinking “that guy’s insane
Damn, what’s his name? What’s wrong with his brain?”
I’m perfectly sane, just hear what I say
Everything I need’s just one zip away

My fanny pack, my fanny pack is all I need
It’s on my waist while I shower and while I pee
It holds my hairspray so I look good every day
It holds me tight and keeps the Boogie Man away

You can’t mess with my fanny pack, I’m a maniac
It’s a fact, you better watch your back
Packs more than a back pack
One time I looked inside and I found an iMac

Only tough guys wear fanny packs
Hulk Hogan, Chuck Norris and this guy…
Diss me and you better watch your back
I’ll smack you with my 20 pound fanny pack

I’ve been attacked by a wild beast
I think it was a furry hippopotamus from Greece
I needed a weapon for the fight
What I pulled out was a stick of dynamite

Makes great gifts for the holidays
“It’s my dick in a pack, babayyyy”
If you talk smack, I’ll put you in my sack
What’s this? It’s midget in my fanny pack!

SMOSH – Milky Milkshake (Hawking Remix)

Milky milkshake. (Milky milkshake)
Milky milkshake
Dancing with my milkshake, baby, oh, yeah.
I’m dancing with my milkshake.
Oh, I love my milky, milky shake baby.
Milky milkshake. (Milky milkshake)
Milky milkshake.
Shaking my milk milk baby.
Shaking my milkshake on the dance floor baby.
Milky milkshake. (Milky milkshake)

Milkshakes are my favorite things in the world.
One time, I drank five of them, then I hurled.
Milkshakes make me super happy.
If they didn’t exist, that would be crappy!

Milky milkshake. (Milky milkshake)
Milky milkshake, oh my milkshake.
Milky milkshake. (Milky milkshake)
Ohhhhhhhhh, my milkshake.
Milky milkshake
Oh, give it baby!

Milkshakes are my favorite thi-
Ow! What the fuck mom?
Why did you throw that fucking flamingo at me?
Can’t you tell I’m upset by the tone of my voice?
I’m going to go cry in my bedroom now.

SMOSH – Meat In Your Mouth

You’re playing games and need something to chew
You’re super hungry, so what do I do?
I put the meat in your mouth, I put the meat in your mouth
You know you love it when you get that meat in your mouth.

You’re out on a date, macking on some stew
Your girl’s super picky, so what do you do?
You put the meat in her mouth, you put the meat in her mouth,
First dates are great when you put the meat in her mouth

Her mom got mad ’cause you were out too late
Said be back by midnight, now she’s really irate
Put that meat in her mouth, put that meat in her mouth,
Moms always love getting that meat in their mouths.

You’re chilling with the dudes and the game’s almost through
The pizza never came, so what do you do?
You put the meat in their mouths, you put the meat in their mouths,
Dudes love other dudes putting meat in their mouths.

When you’re home all alone and want to try something new
You look down at your meat and what do you do?
Put that meat in your mouth, put that meat in your mouth
You know you love it when I put that meat in my mouth

SMOSH – I Heart Burgers

Throw my burger in the air
And I drink some of your soda
Then I do a little bit of hopscotch
And bust out the Macarena
Then I train my dog to sit
And then I train my mom to sit
Knit a sweater to impress the girls
But I’m not very good at knitting
That was the most embarrassing thing I’ve ever done,
But the girls taking pictures, thought that it was fun
I was running away and I tripped on my pants,
But I saved myself with the cool breakdance!

Now it’s time to eat my burger
And enjoy it’s awesome taste.
I’m gonna open my mouth super wide
And catch it with my face.

SMOSH – If Music Were Real (Intro)

To help keep your lunch, I’ve been discrete
Box…

[Ian:] Ahh, this music is terrible! No one would actually wanna listen to this crap!
[Anthony:] Yeah, but it’s just a Smosh album. Can you imagine how stupid it would be if Smosh music was actually real!

SMOSH – Hawking’s Gonna Drop A Phat Remix

[Hawking:] Yo what’s up bitches? It’s your boy Stephen Hawking in the house. Imma drop a phat remix on your ass.
[Anthony:] YEAH STEPHEN HAWKING! DROP THAT REMIX!

SMOSH – Hardcore Max

His name is max and he’s going to school
He doesn’t wear a helmet ’cause he’s so cool
He keeps his helmet on his bars
Darts out randomly in front of cars

Talks on his phone while rollin’ down the street
He even has a girlfriend, isn’t that sweet!?
He hits on chicks even if they’re skanky
He smells his pits and they’re hella stinky!

Ok, I just need to clarify one mother fucking thing, max is a bad ass mother fucker, if you don’t fucking believe me, then look at his mother fucking helmet on his mother fucking handlebars, holy shit that guy is hardcore! oh yeah, and he swears a shitload, and everyone knows that’s fucking awesome!

What’s this? is this is a hardcore part? yeah!! just like max!

His name is max!
He doesn’t wear a helmet!
He keeps it on his handlebar!
He’s failing all his classes!
And he’s only… 10!?

What? I thought he was like 26. so you’re telling me that I wrote this badass song about a ten year old!?

You know what? I don’t care if he’s 10, or 50, or even a friggin’ baby, he’s still more hardcore than I’ll ever be, and I’m 32!

Wait, max! watch out for your helmet!
Max didn’t wear his helmet
Now he has suffered a concussion
And he will be in a coma for the next three weeks
But it was worth it because
Helmets make you look really geeky.
Why do I sound like a bad a rip-off
Of the red hot chili peppers?

SMOSH – Firetruck!

Now here’s the thing about saying firetruck
It starts F and it ends with UCK
So whenever you’re in trouble or out of luck
You no longer have to exclaim “OH FUCK”
Hey look at that they just bleeped me
Instead say firetruck, it’s so easy
And I’d like to take a moment just sit right there
I’ll tell you how you can say firetruck anywhere

Stub your toe, FIRETRUCK
Lose your cash, FIRETRUCK
You’re naked and your parents come home, FIRETRUCK
Fail your class, FIRETRUCK
Scratch your ass, FIRETRUCK
Clip your nails too short and it hurts, FIRETRUCK
Crap your pants, FIRETRUCK
Bite your tongue, FIRETRUCK
No one shows up to your party, FIRETRUCK
Red Ring of Death, FIRETRUCK
Forget to breathe, FIRETRUCK
Found out your mom is your dad, FIRETRUCK

Say firetruck every chance you see
It’s even more fun when it gets bleeped
Say it with me now, don’t make this suck
F****************UCK!

Whoa man, did you just say fuck?
Naw man, I just said Firetruck
But when you bleep it, it says fuck
Who cares man, we’re sayin’ firetruck!

Lose your teeth, FIRETRUCK
iPhone bill, FIRETRUCK
Jonas Brothers stuck in your head, FIRETRUCK
Crash your car, FIRETRUCK
Into your dog, FIRETRUCK
Turns out your dog is your mom, FIRETRUCK-

Wait, so now my mom’s a dog?
And your dad
This is just getting ridiculous
You act like that’s not normal-
IT ISN’T NORMAL.
It is in Canada
So they have man-dog-women in Canada?
…Yes

Fail science, FIRETRUCK
Eat a pencil, FIRETRUCK
There’s over 500 Pokemon, WHAT THE FIRETRUCK?!
Lose the game, FIRETRUCK
David Blaine, FIRETRUCK
Get ran over by a… (what?) FIRETRUCK

So, yeah. Next time you wanna say the F word, just say firetruck. It’s more polite.
And if you didn’t like this song, go fïretruck yourself

SMOSH – Christmas With Billy

Hey everyone
Don’t you love Christmas
I know I do

Hey everybody
Hanging out just for this Christmas.
Time hanging out for Christmas
Oh yeah

I love my grandma
She is very awesome
Wait, grandma, No, get off
Oh no, Grandma

Grandma just got hit by a reindeer, oh no

She appears in a coma, Grandmaaaa
Won’t you wake up up, Grandma

Grandma won’t be here for Christmas
Then, I don’t know if she’s gonna be back
She has a huge blashration on her face

I still love Christmas though
Because I don’t get any crap
I get a bunch of expensive presents
So fuck my grandma

All she gets me is socks
So I don’t really care
About her
She smells funny too

And I love Christmas
Because I put rocks in snowballs
And kill people with them

Bye everyone
Have a Merry Christmas

Grandma
I hope you come out of the coma sometime

I love boobs

SMOSH – Boxman’s Girlfriend

There was this one time not too long ago
I saw this one girl that made my heart explode
She wasn’t like the rest, no, she wasn’t a ho
If I made her my girl, my life would be whole

I’ve never spoken to her, not even a word
I know that you’re thinking that sounds absurd
But believe me I’ve tried, but to no avail
When I flirt with girls, I always fail

Boxman, Boxman, Boxman can’t get a girlfriend
He’s trying, real hard, but he can’t get a girlfriend

It’s about time that I face my fears
Or I’ll regret this for years and years
Man, I’m so nervous, I think I might hurl…
Hey there Boxman, my name is pretty girl

Oh wait, I’m sorry, I’m not good at this
…You smell that? it smells like piss
Oh God, excuse me, just ignore the pee
Will you please go on a date with me?

Boxman, Boxman, Boxman just got a girlfriend
Even after pissing his pants, Boxman just got a girlfriend

Why you with a box when you’re lookin’ so hot
You know that kinda thing will get you shot
Humans and boxes just don’t intertwine
I could have you arrested for this crime

What’s wrong with you man? It’s the 21st century
Why you gotta go and act so elementary
I’m human inside, although it doesn’t show
Come on baby, lets go

I’m not gonna let people bring me down
Now that’s just something that I won’t allow
I taught myself that I should just walk away
But then I always throw boiling water in their face

If there’s something that I’ve learned from all this
It’s that love is not about a kiss or chocolates
But sticking together through thick and thin
And if someone’s a dick, throw hot water on him

Boxman, Boxman, Boxman has got a girlfriend
He’s wanted for attempted murder, but he still has a girlfriend

Boxman, Boxman, Boxman has got a girlfriend
Boxman, Boxman, Boxman has got a boyfriend?

SMOSH – Boxmans Christmas

All I hear about is christmas spirit
Fuck that shit, man, I don’t wanna hear it
Christmas as a box sucks and I fear it
Not this time, I’m not gonna be near it

I need to find a way to get away from it all
The mountains would probably be a good call
Only snow and trees is what I recall
I need to get there fast. oh shit, there’s a wall

I’ll tell you why I hate this time of the year
Last christmas my family came to spread cheer
They gave me a bunch of gifts that teased me
None of the presents were aimed to please me

So that’s why christmas is spent by myself
No more santa and his fucking elf
But now I’ve reached my destination
And I can have fun without hesitation

(boxman boxman’s christmas it’s the boxman christmas boxman christmas boxman christmas)

Hey man, why’d you hit my girlfriend for?
Want me to flatten you, use you as a floor?
No, no, no, I was just trying to have fun
Oh, you have a bat? well, I have a gun

Calm down guys, no need to fight
I can give ya’ll some — tonight
That sounds pretty good, my hoe is right
Yeah that’s a great way to settle this plight

Just hurry up and get into our ride
There is even some free candy inside
Hey now, what are those shirts you’re wearing
And what are those box cutters you’re bearing

It was your kind that changed our life, you see
Our family we killed in a box factory
Now we’ll remove you from history
Look over there, I think I see Bruce Lee

Now you see the kind of crap I go through
But now I look at life with a different view
My faith in my family’s been rebuilt
At least they won’t try to get me killed

SMOSH – Boxman For President

My name is boxman, I’m runnin for pres
I know I’m gonna win cause I’m better than the rest
I’m here to fix the U.S. so don’t get stressed
And I’m the best dressed, but I digress

The North to the South to the East to the West
America will look like less of a mess
McCain’s not the best, I must confess
Now let me try to express my detest

1 He’s bald and stanky
2 He’s old and cranky
3 He’s got hair on his back
4 He smokes a lot of crack

As you can see, John McCain is a joke
He’s in his mid 70s, he’s bound to have a stroke
The other candidates will feel the pain
When I blaze the trail with my campaign

Boxman is runnin for president
Boxman is the number one candidate
Boxman will give McCain Chicken pox
Boxman is the only man in a box

Barack Obama’s not the right choice either
If it was up to me you’d vote for neither
Both McCain and Obama should get the axe
Just let me tell you these Obama facts

1 He’s got a chubby belly
2 His pits are really smelly
3 Osama’s his brother
4 He slept with my mother

So please make the right choice and vote for me
You’ll see I’ll fix the ‘E’conomy
I guarantee health care would be free
And every day of your life would be filled with glee

Now let’s talk about the war in Iraq
And how we’re wasting our time with that crap
It’d be faster with my new policy
To just nuke each enemy country

Boxman is runnin for president
Boxman is the number one candidate
Boxman will steal Obama’s socks
Boxman is the only man in a box

Let’s stop wasting money on education
And quit spending cash on transportation
Let’s focus on something for the population
Like the eradication of constipation

So when it comes time for you to choose
Which candidate will wear the president’s shoes
You’ll vote for me and I’ll tell you why
Cause my vice president is this guy

SMOSH – Boxman

So let me tell you how this all came to be
I’m doin’ this here rap for your safety
So all you kids don’t mess up like me
And be disowned by your family

So check it, this is how it all began
I was chillin’, eatin’ some raisin bran
I decided it was time to get a tan
So I grabbed my scissors and then I ran

I forgot my house was two stories tall
I missed the first step and began to fall
What happened next I could not recall
I was impaled by the scissors and thats not all

I thought I could get some help on the street
I got run over by a fucking Jeep
The rest of this mess I will not repeat
To help keep your lunch, I’ve been discrete

(box / the boxman / he’s the boxman / he’s the boxman / he’s a box / he’s a boxman / boxman / he’s a box / man)

I woke up in a strange location
Some dirty bum had an explanation
Apparently he had no education
He turned my body into an abomination

He said he found me on the road nearly dead
It was necessary he fix my torso and my head
He had no human parts so he used a box instead
The news was so overwhelming that I fled

(box / the boxman / he’s the boxman / he’s the boxman / he’s a box / he’s a boxman / boxman / he’s a box / man)

[yo, what's up homie, you know that boxman?
Yeah, he used to be a part of my clique
Yeah, well what about now?
I don't know man, he can suck my --]

It’s hard to live with a body of cardboard
You’d think with this cute smile I’d be adored
But since the accident I’ve always been ignored
I trust one day that my hope will be restored

I’d like to meet a girl who likes me for me
But of course no girl likes a guy made of tree
I get so desperate that a cry and I plea
I’d even take a fat girl to a tolerable degree

I guess it ain’t that bad to be a box like me
Hey, at least I ain’t Mary-Kate or Ashley
If I ever want to travel across the sea
I disguise myself as a package and fly for free

Well the moral of the story is airfare’s expensive as hell
So that’s the end of my tale, so long, and farewell

(box / the boxman / he’s the boxman / he’s the boxman / he’s a box / he’s a boxman / boxman / he’s a box / man) [x3]

SMOSH – Bow To The Unicorns

Bow
Bow to us
Bow to us
The Unicorns

Bow
Bow to us
Bow to us
The Unicorns

Shut up!

SMOSH – Happy Cow

Happy cow
Happy cow
Everywhere you go

Happy cow
Happy cow
Take it to and fro

Happy cow
Happy cow
Follows you all day

Happy cow
Happy cow
Play, play, play, play

Happy cow
Happy cow
Better than the rest

Cuz happy cow…
Is da best!