TENACIOUS D – Classical Teacher

[J:] Hey Kage
[K:] Jables
[J:] How goes it man?
[K:] S’good… s’good
[J:] Y’know I been thinking a lot about it, and um, I just want us to be the
best fucking band in the world.
[K:] Well yeah me too!
[J:] There’s no point in doing it if we’re not the best.
[K:] Well s’true. I agree with that.
[J:] I mean what, yeah we’re gonna be, yeah we’re really good. We’re like
almost as good as Arcade Fire, fuck that.
[K:] Yeah
[J:] We gotta leave those fuckers in the dust!
[K:] What, what do you..
[J:] All those fucking youngsters gotta lick our fucking boot or fuck it!
Y’know what I mean?
[K:] Yeah! Yeah, well what, how do we do that though?
[J:] [sigh] Dude you need to fucking have some lessons.
[K:] What!
[J:] I know, you’re really good but you gotta expand your game.
[K:] Lessons!
[J:] Y’know how Koby in the off season would go and like, learn a fucking,
y’know a Texas Two-Step or something, to add to his arsenal?
[K:] Man, yeah, that’s true. That’s true.
[J:] Well I’ve just been noticing some of your classic riffs are a little sloppy.
[K:] Really?
[J:] And I, I hope you’re not pissed off at me but I went ahead and hired a dude.
[K:] Yeah? Oh no, what!
[J:] Dude, just give it a chance will you? If you don’t like- ah hey! I
swear, if you don’t like it we’ll fucking fire his ass. He’s out.
[K:] Who is this guy? I never…
[J:] His name is Felix Char [?]
[K:] Urgh, what.
[J:] He’s from Spain and he is the best.
[K:] Oh god…
[J:] I got him from the fucking London Phildsarmonic. (Meant to be Philharmonic)
[K:] Urgh, I just, I don’t know him, it seems weird!
[J:] Will you just, will you just spend a minute with him?
[K:] OK. Alright. I’ll spend a minute with him.
[J:] OK bro, he’s right outside I’m sending him in.
[K:] Oh god, OK. Why? Lessons, so stupid.
[F:] Hello?
[K:] Uh, hi!
[F:] Hello, I am Felix Char.
[K:] Hi, uh. Felix? Yeah, um.
[F:] Ah, as, Jack as asked me to spend some time with you. Uh.
[K:] OK, hm.
[F:] One on one. So, while Jack is outside, ah we will work on your technique.
[K:] OK.
[F:] Can I see you pick up, is this your guitar here?
[K:] Yup. Yeah, I gotta it, I gotta it right over here.
[F:] Ah, it is a Fender ay? Is this a Fender?
[K:] Ah well it’s a Gibson.
[F:] Yes a Gibson, yes. Made by the same, uh, manufacturer. Pick it up please, can you pick it up?
[K:] OK. Yeah.
[F:] No, no, no, d-d-d-d-d-d-d bap-bap-bap-bap-bap-bap-bap-bap!
[K:] What? What’d I do? What’d I do?
[F:] You pick it up from the neck! This is not the way you pick up a guitar!
[K:] I just picked it up, I just-
[F:] No,no, hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, cállate tu bocar, pick it up from the body.
[K:] The what!
[F:] The body.
[K:] Oh the body! Body, OK.
[F:] I’m sorry about my accent.
[K:] I didn’t know, I didn’t know.
[F:] Now listen to me. I want you to play, like it is a woman. You go and play the guitar now. Play.
[K:] Uh, OK? Uh.
[F:] No, no, no, no, no. You, your fingers. Your fingers are too tight.
[K:] They’re too tight?
[F:] Yes, let me get behind you. Like this, you see?
[K:] Oh! Hn.
[F:] If I put my finger, on your finger.
[K:] Hey!
[F:] Then you can feel…
[K:] I can! Wait!
[F:] Sh, sh, sh, sh, shu! Finger to your mouth. I put my finger on your mouth, on your lips.
[K:] Mhmhm!
[F:] Yes that’s good.
[K:] Hey man!
[F:] Now listen hey, you want to play like an orgasm.
[K:] I’m just try- what!?
[F:] Feel this. Do you feel that?
[K:] Oh god! This is really weird man!
[F:] That’s my cock.
[K:] WHAT!
[F:] That’s my cock in your butt cheeks.
[K:] OH GOD! Hey!
[F:] Do you feel it?
[K:] NO!
[F:] Now I’m going to tough your cock.
[K:] OW!
[F:] Let me touch your penis.
[J:] It’s me!
[K:] WHAT?!
[J:] It’s me. It’s JB.
[K:] GOD!
[J:] There’s no Felix dude.
[K:] What are you doing?!
[J:] I’M FUCKING WAKING YOU UP! I’M TRYING TO SHAKE YOUR FOUNDATIONS!
[K:] By touching me with your penis?!
[J:] YES! By fucking touching your penis! Whatever it takes!
[K:] God!
[J:] That’s all I’m saying dude! I’m making a point! Let’s get fucking
serious! Let’s get physical! Alright. Let’s take it from the top.

TENACIOUS D – City Hall

All you people up there in City Hall,
You’re fuckin’ it up for the people that’s in the streets.
This is a song for the people in the streets,
Not the people City Hall.
All you motherfuckers in the streets it’s time to rise up,
Come along children and fuckin’ rise!

Lots of times when me and KG are watchin’
All the fuckin’ shit that goes down at City Hall,
We get the feeling we should fuck shit up,
Yeah we should fuckin’ start a riot.
A Riot!

We have ‘em screaming in the streets,
we have ‘em tippin’ over shit and breakin’ fuckin’ windows of small businesses,
and settin’ fuckin’ fires!
and settin’ fuckin’ fires!
and settin’ fuckin’ fires!

[spoken]
And then after the smoke is cleared,
and the rubble has been swept away,
me and KG will peek out our heads.
We’ve been watching the riots on a monitor twenty floors below sea level,
from a bunker.

We did it Rage-Kage, we beat the bastards of City Hall!
[laughs] But now what will we do?
We must rebuild. But who will lead us in the rebuilding process?
Man, it’s got to be someone with the know-how
and the elbow grease to lead us to a new land.
No, not me and KG, we don’t have the cognitive capacity to lead…
Alright, we’ll do it!

[sung]
We’ll lead as Two Kings,
We’ll lead as Two Kings.
Ahhhaaa (Two Kings, we’ll lead as Two Kings)
Ah-ha ah-how,
We’ll lead as Two Kings.

[spoken]
The first decree is to legalize marijuana.
The tyranny and the bullshit’s gone on too long.
You old fuckin’ shrivs who blocked it’s legalization,
you’re banished from the land!

[sung]
We’ll lead as Two Kings,
We’ll lead as Two Kings.
Ahhhaaa (Two Kings, we’ll lead as Two Kings)
Ah-ha ah-how,
Lead as Two Kings.

[spoken]
The second decree: no more pollution, no more car exhaust,
or ocean dumpage. From now on, we will travel in tubes!

[sung]
We’ll lead as Two Kings, oh, yeah,
We’ll fuckin’ lead as Two Kings.

[spoken]
Get the scientists working on the tube technology, immediately.
(Tube technology.) Chop, chop, let’s go.

[spoken]
Third decree: no more… rich people: and poor people.
From now on, we will all be the same… ummm, I dunno,
I gotta think about that…

[sung]
We’ll lead as Two Kings
Ah yeah, ah yeahhhahahaha.
Ha-ha-ho-hee, ha-ha-ho-hee-ha-ha-ho-ho-ho-ho.

[spoken]
[JB:] Oh my God.
[KG:] Ahh… What?
[JB:] Dude, the red phone is flashing.
[KG:] Oh, yeah.
[JB:] Let me scoop that up. Hello? Two Kings.
[KG:] Who is it?
[JB:] What?! No! No fucking way!
[KG:] What?
[JB:] Rage, there’s a potato famine in Idaho, you gotta go down there!
[KG:] Oh my God… what?
[JB:] Dude, I gotta stay here!
[KG:] Why do I have to go?
[JB:] Please! Please!
[KG:] Oh, God, okay.
[JB:] Awesome… is he gone? Alright, emergency meeting of Parliament.
All right Parliament, I know this is fucked up,
but Rage, he can’t be King anymore.
Dudes, he’s encroaching on my decrees!
Seriously, let’s make him “Duke,” a kick ass “Duke.”
Or “leader formerly known as King,” but– uh-oh he’s comin’ back…

[sung]
We’ll lead as Two Kings, oh yes
we’ll really lead as Two Kings.

[spoken]
[KG:] Uh, dude?
[JB:] Rage.
[KG:] I went all over Idaho…
[JB:] Yeah?
[KG:] Uh, plenty of potatoes everywhere.
[JB:] What? There was no famine?
[KG:] Yeah, there was no famine, no.
[JB:] Dude.
[KG:] I don’t know what’s uh…
[JB:] A toast…
[KG:] A toast…
[JB:] Long live the “D.”
[KG:] Long live the “D.”
[clinking of glasses]
[JB:] Long live me. I’m sorry, I poisoned your wine.
[KG:] What?
[JB:] For the good of the land.
[KG:] You p– I poisoned yours… huh heh, as well.
[JB/KG:] Noooooooooo!!!!!
No!

[sung]
City, city, city, city, city, city, shitty.
Shitty, city, shitty, shitty, city, city, shitty.
Hall, hall, hall, hall, hall, hall, hall, hall.

People inside me are askin’ me to smoke up City Hall,
‘Cause no one here is talkin’.
People inside me are askin’ me to blow up City Hall,
‘Cause no one here is rockin’.

People inside me are askin’ me to blow up City Hall,
‘Cause everyone is Rock-’em Sock-’em Robots.
Everyone is Rock-’em Sock-’em Robots.
Everyone is Rock-’em Sock-’em GO! OH!

[spoken]
[JB:] Don’t, cut that part out.

[KG:] We’ve got it.

[JB:] Um, do you believe in God?
[KG:] I believe, I believe.
[JB:] You do?
[KG:] I believe in God. I believe in God.
[JB: (laughs)] Y’do–
[KG:] I believe in God.
[JB:] Do you?
[KG:] I believe in God.

Malibu Nights
[KG (spoken):]
Yeah, but you didn’t fuckin’ come out with this (one)–! [cuts off on "one"]
[KG starts playing]
[JB (spoken):] I got some lyrics.
[sung]
Malibu nights, tangerine dreams,
Malibu neighs, Malibu dreams,
Malibu, makin’ a poo.
Stinky poo, lookin’d view.
Because it’s time for my breakfast,
It’s time for some cheese.
It’s time for the stink,
time for the breeze,
time for the… hah-or-eeee!

TENACIOUS D – Ballad Of Hollywood Jack And The Rage Kage

This is the ballad of Hollywood Jack and the Rage Kage
Nothin’ could stop them when Jables and Rage hit the stage
And Hollywood Jack hit the big time and went to make movies
Rage Kage was left far behind in the dust of his dreams

And he grumbled and growled and watched Hollywood Jack on Jay Leno
He bellowed and said he’d be nothing without help from Kage
He burned up the photos of Jables and Kage doin’ mushrooms
Fuck him! I don’t need no Hollywood Jack, anyway

So Hollywood Jack lived up high on a hill in a bubble
And Rage Kage lived deep in the broiling valley below
Yes the Rage Kage bubbled with rage
He looked at the ground and he looked on the stage
The lava was flowin’ and broilin’ inside the old Kage

As Hollywood Jack climbed the ladder of stardom before him
He watched as his indie credentials flew right out the door
He’d make millions and then he’d go out and he’d make even more millions
He’d screen KG’s calls and snort coke off the ass of a whore

No one respected him, they just rejected him
No one would represent Kage
Left on the streets of his dreams he would cry
And he’d rage, for the stage

Ahahaaa

Then Hollywood Jack got a message that Kage was in trouble
They sent Kage away cause he had gone completely insane
So Hollywood Jack jumped upon a jet plane
And flew all that night through the rain
To be with his friend, and see what remained of his brain

Then Hollywood Jack told the doctors, “You’ve got to retrieve him
You’ve got the technology, use the techniques of your trade”
He grabbed their lapels and he screamed, “By God, you must save him!
Because Rage Kage and I, can’t you see that we’re one and the same?”

Aaaah!

Rage Kage
Oh, Rage Kage
There be magic inside that old name

And you know
That you know
When you’re going completely insane

Ah, the Rage Kage
Ah, the Rage Kage
Oh, the lion will roar once again

And you know
Yes, you know
When you’re going completely insane

Nothing and no one could harm the old Rage Kage again
Nothing and no one could harm the old Rage Kage again
Nothing and no one could harm the old Rage Kage again
Nothing and no one could harm the old Rage Kage again
Nothing and no one could harm the old Rage Kage again
Hollywood Jack and Rage Kage will ride once again

TENACIOUS D – 39

She’s 39, but she still looks young
Not very young, but a lot of fun
She’s my 39 lady in the sun

49 and I’m feelin’ fine
In the sun that’s a lot of fun
Drinkin’ mai tais, kickin’ back with my flip-flops on

I’m wearin’ socks and my toe is tight
I think about her every damn night
39 year-old lady, she looks pretty good to me

I’m 49, drinkin’ white wine
Not goin’ out with no 19 year-old chickities no more
From now on I got my 39 year-old whore
Oh!

Don’t you call her a whore
I’ll fuckin’ tear your esophagus out
She’s sweet and she’s getting old
And she’s mine, to have and to hold

She needs a dentist appointment quick
I pay for it and she sucka my dick
When we text each other, I fiddle with my anus

Ahh, stick a finger in it!
Then a fuckin’ didariddly doo
And I fuckin’ gots to spew
Upon my belly, dripped upon my shoe
Get me a tissue

Chardonnay in the setting sun
She’s 39, but she’s number one
Get the apartment just right, she’s comin’ over tonight

I like it cause I don’t feel scared
She’s 39, I’m in my underwear
Here she comes, comin’ down the hallway
She’s knockin’ on my door!

I open the door
There she is, not too bad, good enough
39 year-old lady, young enough for me
Boobies droopin’, but she’s good enough for me
Trimmed her pussy hairs, good enough for me
Mature woman, she’s my lady

Uh huh, uh huh, ooh yeah
She ain’t gonna be fuckin’ around with no other guys
Nanananah-nah, she’s mine, she’s my special lady
Special lady

We can see a fuckin’ movie
And agree it’s a total piece of shit
Comfortable shoes, never lose
We can fuckin’ talk about some things
She don’t need no diamond rings
She don’t need no diamond rings

TENACIOUS D – 5 Needs

This one goes to all the disciples out there on the journey that we call life
You know there’s only 5 needs
And Kyle and I have compiled ‘em
And awoken them into song
A song that we like to call the 5 needs

First you need the planet
Earth beneath your feet
You couldn’t live an instant without that
Then you need the air
Oxygen to breathe
You couldn’t live five minutes without that
Then you need the water
The icy cold water

Now, you need some love (love)
You need some love (love)

We only wanted to rock your world (We hoped that we rocked your world)
The fifth need is to rock your world (We really wanna rock your world)
It comes before food!
Ohhh

TENACIOUS D – Lee

Lee, Lee, Lee, Lee,
Lee Lee Lee Lee Lee Lee Lee Lee Lee,
We’re talkin’ fuckin’ Lee.
I had a friend named Lee,
He cast a spell a spell on me.
If me and Lee and KG could be three,
Flyin’ free Tenaciously,
Skinny-dippin’ in a sea of Lee,
I’d propose on bended knee
To Lee Lee Lee, Lee Lee Lee,
Lee Lee,
Lee Lee Lee, Lee Lee Lee,
Lee Lee,
Le-Lut-Le-Le-Le-Lee Lee Lee,
Le-Lut-Le-Le-Le-Lee Lee,
If me, and Lee, and KG, (that’s me)
Could be three, (could be three)
Plant a tree, (plant a tree)
Just for Lee, (just for Lee)
Just for Lee, (Lee)
Just for Lee!
Lee, Lee, Lee: ["Psycho" Knife Song style, 16X]
Leeee, Leeee, Leeee:
LEE!