THE MIDNIGHT BEAST – Wands

I’m Gary potter,
You haven’t heard’a me
You may of seen my bro in the Potter Octalogy (what?)
That’s eight films you know, I’m quite smart
But that didn’t help… getting me a Harry Potter part

Should’a gone to Hogwarts, I didn’t get in
Now I’m living life as a wizard has been
‘Cause life’s not pretty, it’s actually grim
Not a fairytale by JK Rowling

The wands on the streets are dangerous
They’re easy to get, I got two!!
It don’t matter if you’re famous
We’re still gonna come for you

Hanging round the streets
Getting wasted on Butter-beer
Disappear, steal a couple tings from the sweet shop
Reappear…
I got a bump on my head like a tortoise
Running head first at 9 and 3 quarters

Everybody put your wand in the air
Put your wand in the air (put em up)
Put your wand in the air
If you don’t get respect
If you’re a wizard reject

Put your wand in the air
Put your wand in the air (put em up)
Put your wand in the air
If you can’t do a spell
Dumbledor you as well

I used to go to Hogwarts but I had enough
Soon as I got sorted and put in to Hufflepuff
Told the sorting hat, go fuck yourself and I quit
‘Cause everybody knows that Hufflepuff is shit

I’m dead sirius… black was my heart when my girl got stole
Hermione YOU ATE MY SOUL
Like a demontor… Weasley I’m coming for you
I got Wizard GPS on my Nimbus broom

Us gingers are meant to stick together…
Just kidding I’m not really ginger
It’s just a Hedwig

Everybody put your wand in the air
Put your wand in the air (put em up)
Put your wand in the air
If you don’t get respect
If you’re a wizard reject

Put your wand in the air
Put your wand in the air (put em up)
Put your wand in the air
Because magic is sick
Voldemort? You’re a dick! Oh

I’ll give you a guess which house I was in
Aloehomora your legs n i’ll slytherin

All the witches in the place
Think I’m pretty harmless till
I expelliarmous from
My dickaramous

What do they expect-o?
After I got hexed ohhh
Now I walk round with a constant erecto

Would you help reducto
Might involve a fuck though
Hogwarts threw me out quick
For rubbing my broomstick

Everybody put your wand in the air
Put your wand in the air (put em up)
Put your wand in the air
If you don’t get respect
If you’re a wizard reject

Put your wand in the air
Put your wand in the air (put em up)
Put your wand in the air
I keep a spare in my pocket
If you’re a nasty fat hobbit

THE MIDNIGHT BEAST – The Return Of The Boyband

It’s the return of the boyband
Dressed up with a brand new look
It’s the return of the lip-pout
Ripped straight out a boyband book

It’s the return of the boyband
Right here in the USA
Say hi to your new favourite boyband
And we’re doing A-OK

We never Wanted to ever sell our soul to the devil
But we’re gonna have to N-Sync down to your level
Ticket to the states, sold a band for ransom
But we couldn’t get a show cause we’re not that Hanson…
I mean handsome… ALL-4-1, Boys 2 Men, Take That
It’s One Direction …to Hollywood Hills, girls shake your thing
But we’ve touched less tits than a purity ring

…First day, couldn’t cope with the heat
Mindless Behaviour trying’ to stand up on my feet
Had a Big Time Rush to the toilet seat
Puked a big time mush as I recorded a beat
Timberland mixed my beat, with one of his farts
…Drake did some spitting on a few of the bars
…Now I’m rolling in expensive cars
Before I knew it, my vomit reached the top of the charts

It’s the return of the boyband
Make way for the vocal trills
It’s the return of the harmony
Please stop, ’cause you make me ill

It’s the return of the boyband
Right here in the USA
Say hi to your new favourite boyband
And we’re doing A-OK

50 percent of the new Boybands, are Brits
And we got the crooked teeth to show it
Bundled back home on a plane for free
‘Cuz we lippy like Angelina Jolie
Fame’s a mirage, unlike Entourage
…Our future’s got more bumps than Nicki Minaj
…Our future’s had more humps than the Jersey Shore cast
We did it all for the Snooki

So you could take that cookie, and stick it up your rectum
If you’re miming guitar, than you should use a plectrum
Wanna be something, wanna be someone
But the only plaque you’ll be getting’s on your teeth son
I’m not that fond of the A-list clubs
‘Cuz they got more dicks than chat-roulette does
Fames a strange thing, you’re down and homeless
…Then playing Strip-Twister with Selena Gomez

It’s the return of the boyband
Don’t eat ‘cuz you can’t get fat
It’s the return of the dancemove
Say hi to a baseball bat

It’s the return of the boyband
Right here in the USA
Say hi to your new favourite boyband
And we’re doing A-OK

I had a vision when I got off the plane
There’d be a driver holding my name (Ash)
Have a limousine, packed full of beauty queens
A booby pillow with my head in-between

In a hybrid, with an A-List
And I could kiss her on the lips if she insist
And I could play a bass solo on the Hollywood sign
And Obama would be there with an Ashley shrine

I think I better do something high with my voice in this part of the song
’cause it’ll sound fucking awesome

[CHORUS]

It’s the return of the boyband
[AD-LIB CONTINUES]
It’s the return of the dancemove
Hold up, I’m not finished yet

It’s the return of the boyband
Right here in the USA
Say hi to your new favourite boyband
And we’re doing A-OK

This is the part just like every other song ever written
where we say something that means absolutely nothing
But we’ve got nothing to say…

THE MIDNIGHT BEAST – Strategy Wanking

You’re stressed about a meeting ’cause you haven’t got a clue
Your girlfriend won’t have sex with you because she’s got the flu
Your cat won’t eat it’s dinner ’cause it doesn’t like the taste
Your parents had a baby and you’re sad you’ve been replaced

Whoah!
Act like you mean it
Whoah!
Don’t make a sound
Whoah!
Keep it a secret

People in the place gotta listen up, right
We gonna get loose in our pants tonight

Strategy Wanking
(Oh-oh-oh)
Got to cure your frustration
(Oh-oh-oh)
Strategy Wanking
(Oh-oh-oh)
S’only meditation

You could’ve scored the winning goal, but you missed the shot
You’ve seen the monkeys procreating; boy it’s got you hot
You owe the mob some money, but you’ll never find the cash
You found out you got herpes when you thought it was a rash

Whoah!
Urge the temptation
Whoah!
Don’t feel ashamed
Whoah!
Feel the inflation

People in the place put your hands down there
N’ shake it all around like you just don’t care

Strategy Wanking
(Oh-oh-oh)
Undercover masturbation
(Oh-oh-oh)
Strategy Wanking
(Oh-oh-oh)
When the pussy’s on vacation

It’s not dumb
It’s fun
It only takes one

Strategy Wanking
(Oh-oh-oh)
Strategy Wanking
(Oh-oh-oh)

You hit the floor
With your new song
It’s immature
Your career’s bombed

Tragedy Wanking
Got to pick up the pieces
They call it Tragedy Wanking
When you’ve just been defeated

Strategy Wanking
(Oh-oh-oh)
You won’t feel neglected
(Oh-oh-oh)
Strategy Wanking
(Oh-oh-oh)
You’ll never be rejected

It’s not dumb
It’s fun
It only takes one

Strategy Wanking
(Oh-oh-oh)
Strategy Wanking
(Oh-oh-oh)

THE MIDNIGHT BEAST – Quirky

Not married but I wear a wedding ring on my hand
I go to sleep when I want, ’cause I don’t have bedtime planned
Don’t obey by the rules, sometimes I don’t even care
If I’m out eating at a buffet I’ll have more than my share

WHAT! I’m a bad influence, don’t hang around with me
I ride my bike on the pavement, wear my clothes in the shower
I’m straight up crazy
I’ve got a beard, I’ve got an afro, I’ve got eyebrows that rock, so
If you want to out-quirky us than take your best shot

I don’t sing in tune, why?
Cuz I’m quirky
Backwards lyrics my of all rap I
Cuz I’m quirky
I sip my Coffee through a straw bitch
Cuz I’m quirky
N’ I’ll still rock a cap when I’m thirty… WHY!
Cuz I’m quirky

The other day, I had a piece of toast
But I didn’t even butter it, it tasted gross
I DON’T CARE, what I do… I’m a real live wire
I hold a match ’til it burns… I’m playing with fire

FUCK vegetables, I don’t eat none of that shit
FUCK education, I don’t study one little bit
FUCK THE FONZ, HE THINKS HE’S FUCKING COOLER THAN ME
AND FUCK SINGING THIS SONG, CUZ I’m TOO QUIRKY TO SING

I wear red and pink, why?
Cuz I’m quirky
I greet you with a goodbye
Cuz I’m quirky
I have eleven beers a day, why?
Cuz I’m quir-
No, no that just makes you an alcoholic…
N’ I’ll still have a beard when I’m thirty… WHY!
Cuz I’m quirky

Ripping a hole in your jeans
Owning a pink limousine
Learning to ride a unicycle whilst your dressed as the queen
Fighting a bear with one hand
Getting a full-body tan
Joining a post-apocalyptic-gothic hardcore band

I like Home Alone 3
Cuz I’m quirky,
I’m drinking peppermint tea,
Cuz I’m quirky,
I got a picture of the hoff, see?
Cuz I’m quirky,
N’ I’ll still rock a cap when I’m thirty… WHY!
Cuz I’m quirky

THE MIDNIGHT BEAST – Pizza In Ibiza

We’re going to Ibiza,
It’s just like England with sun
There’s lots of English people
Having English fun

If you don’t leave home much
This is the place to be
We’ll dance to bullshit dj’s
Playing bullshit beats

No better way to sunbathe
With a KFC
No need for rubbish bins,
Just throw it in the sea

I thought I’d live a little,
Try some new foods but
I was relieved to find
They got a Pizza Hut

Pizza in Ibiza
Picking the cheese out of your teeth
Feeling the sand under your feet
Eating a lovely Margarita

Pizza in Ibiza
Watching the waves wash up a sheath
Feeling the bass and drums control me
Eating a lovely pepperoni

The clubs will suck you dry,
More than the mosquitos
The cheapest drink you’ll find, only fourteen euros

The cities packed with beauties,
Always underdressed
You better bring your own baps
‘Cause it’s a sausage fest

We buying drugs, and taking them in clubs
Oh shit we just bought aspirin
We really feel like mugs

We in the VIP with bottled vodka and tequila
But can’t afford the entry fee, our table’s on the beach

Not like we knew you’re from England
Without you waving a flag
What happens here in beefa, stays in beefa
Till you’re tagged

Then your girlfriend sees you riding,
On a stripper-snorting blow
When she dumps you, you think ‘fuck her… ’cause she can’t take a joke’

I thought I’d live a little,
Try some new foods but
I was relieved to find
They got a Pizza Hut

Pizza in Ibiza
Picking the cheese out of your teeth
Feeling the sand under your feet
Eating a lovely Margarita

Pizza in Ibiza
Watching the waves wash up a breezer
Feeling the bass and drums control me
Eating a loverly Calzone

Ride the bus
Stuffed crust
Living like kings
Chicken wings

And then a salad!
What?
Covered in cheese, oh!

And then we all catch a venereal disease
Throwing up
Stuffed crust
Have a fight
Cheesy bites

A+E, can’t feel your head
With pepperoni and a side of garlic bread

THE MIDNIGHT BEAST – Ninjas

I’m a ninja
Of the dance floor
I got a craving for whatever’s yours
I’m a fucking ninja
Of the dance floor
I do the things that you can’t ignore

Are you a ninja?
Do you drink special brew
Cause you cant afford a bottle of the champagne too?

Get out the kitchen if you can’t take the heat
I never eat
Cause I haven’t had a good night till I’m sick in the street

Ah bro that really smells
What have you been drinking man
Super strongbow motherfucker do you wanna can?

I don’t pay by card and
I don’t pay by cheque man
Ill give you so much change you cant even hold it in your hand ai ai….

I’m an assassin of the dance floor right?
I silently assassinate every drink in sight
I got eyes like a hawk, a serial drink thief
I’m like Robin Hood apart from that I’m robbing for me

From the rich cause I’m poor
A celebrity whore
I’m the type of boy you told your daughters to watch out for

And my hands are like samurai swords
But they’re not metal so nothing like swords
They’re just hands
what the fuck you sayin’ man?
oh… I dunno

But I’m still a ninja
Of the dance floor
My hands look nothing like samurai swords
But I’m a fucking ninja
Of the dance floor
So get ready for what I got in store

I went to cheapskates, to be a cheapskate
I went to punk to getta lil crunk
I went to mahiki thought I could be cheeky
They wouldn’t let me in (NAH!)
Till I showed my katana (NAH!)

Is that my drink?
I ain’t got no drink
I swear that’s my drink
It was just any drink

Well my drink’s been drunk (OH WELL)
That shit got stole (OH WELL)

Oh well, welly welly
Lets take a ride like Nelly
We could move like jelly
We’re invisible
we’re up all night

Ive got special powers
I can stay up for seven whole hours
I can see when its foggy foggy
Like Snoop Doggy Doggy

I’m a ninja dick face, got a tattoo to prove it
Don’t ever let me see you waste your drink cuz Ill lose it
Give you five whole seconds to finish it up
Till I come around the corner, take a shit in your cup

I’m a ninja
Of the dance floor
I’ll take a shit in everything thats yours
I’m a fucking ninja
Of the dance floor
I drink more than a liquor store

Are you a ninja? WHAT!
Of the dance floor? WHAT!

did you just say something there?
yeah i was just doing the little white boy bit like “whaat”
what like Eminem?
yeah…

Baby I’m a ninja
In a western world
Now let’s hear it from my ninja girl

Baby Boo, all of my friends are ninjas too just like you

oh… oh shit

nin nin ja ja ja
I’m a fuckin ninja
nin nin ja ja ja
I’m a fuckin ninja
nin nin ja ja ja
I’m a fuckin ninja
nin nin ja ja ja
I’m a fuckin ninja of the dance floor

THE MIDNIGHT BEAST – Nerds

My friends don’t like me as much as they like their video games,
They play for hour after hour every day is the same,
My friends don’t go out, they stay in or out
Cause out is not in
They won’t gang up on them cause it knows they’re not interesting

Love is all it takes to break a heart,
But I don’t have the friends to lend when I’m falling apart,
They don’t say a word,
All my friends are nerds

The other day I met a girl and didn’t know what to do
Can’t say a word, can’t even think,
My mind’s been blackened and blued

Love is all it takes to break a heart,
But I don’t have the friends to lend when I’m falling apart,
I know it sounds absurd
All my friends are nerds

Cause all my friends
Cause all my, all my
All my friends are nerds

My friends don’t like me as much as they like their video games,
But I’ve found new ones now I’ll never need to see them again,
They don’t say a word,
All my friends are nerds

(They’re tighter than their jeans,
As nerdy as they seem,
Their cardigans are bright,
Their social skills are shite)

All my friends are nerds
(Motherfucking nerds)

THE MIDNIGHT BEAST – Medium Pimpin’

Now that we rolling in dough
Let’s get a yacht with a bed
But we don’t have enough
Let’s buy a dingy instead

We wanna drink crystal
But settled with soda
We couldn’t buy a Porsche
Let’s pimp out a skoda

Yeah! Medium pimpin’
Living the dream
Instead a caviar bitch
Got vanilla ice cream

No care in the world
Just got numerous pounds
We only travel first class
On the underground

Medium pimpin’
Car with wheels
Moderately pimpin’
Fancy meals
Averagely pimpin’
Sex appeal
Medium pimpin’ pimpin’ pimpin’

Train to Soho
Pick up some ho-ho’s
Can only get a chat,
Not enough for a blow-blow

HA! Medium bitches
Hard to afford
I shop so much at Asda
I’m sponsored by George

We wanted some dancers
But children were cheaper
Got so much fucking money
I could buy your sister

Buy your mama
Buy your papa
Dress em up as animals
And take a picture

Medium pimpin’
Chandelier
Standardly pimpin’
Unlimited beer
Mediocre pimpin’
New career
Medium pimpin’ pimpin’ pimpin’

N-N-N-Now I am a rich man
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, naaa
Medium pimpin’
Medium pimpin’

Medium gangster
Medium height
Ba-na-na-na
Optician
Told me I got medium sight
Ba-na-na-na

Average pits
With an average smell
Ba-na-na-na
And downstairs
Pretty average as well
Ba-na-na-na

Medium dance
With a minimal beat
Minimum clothes
On medium seats

Medium shoulders
Minimal hands
Spread your legs, Lois Lane
I’m super-medium-man

Medium pimpin’
Bronze shoes
Moderately pimpin’
Bronze cain
Averagely pimpin’
Bronze gloves
Medium pimpin’
Bronze brain
Wow

Now I am a rich man
Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, naaa
Medium pimpin’
Bigger than small
Medium pimpin’
Smaller than big

Ba-na-na-na
Medium Pimpin’ baby
Ba-na-na-na
That’s right spending cheese
Ba-na-na-na
Cheese?
Yeah that means money
Ba-na-na-na
Oh

THE MIDNIGHT BEAST – Life Is A Musical

What the fudge was mr jones on about back there
I don’t know man but that guy is some kind of crazy
Are we gonna show these kids how to kick it or what
Damn right we are let’s do this thing

Life could be cool like American high school (high school is cool)
We dance around and use dollars not pounds (different currency)
Standing on a car playing my guitar
We reached the final curtain that will be we know for certain because

We all love, a happy ending
We’re blessed
We’re the best
We’re all fucking amazing
We all love a happy finish
Let’s all have a ball
Because life is a musical
Life life life is a musical
Life life life is a musical

We stick together whatever the weather (sunshine rain)
Brother to brother in love with each other (but we’re not gay I mean it ok?!)

We all love a happy ending
Hey look there’s a clown
There’s no frowns
In this town
We all love a happy finish
Let’s all have a ball
Cuz life is a musical

The midnight beast are everywhere
Now everybody throw your hands it the air
The midnight beast are in the place
Now everybody slap your face
Now everybody slap your friend in the face

We all love a happy ending
Now I’m dressed as a tree
We all love a have finish
No need to have timing
We’re all bloody miming
We all love a happy ending
You’ll look like a dick
And you’ll dance till you’re sick
We all love a happy finish
Lets all have a ball
Because life is a musical…

THE MIDNIGHT BEAST – Lez Be Friends

If a girl wont come round
(She must be a lesbian)
Or turns me down
(She must be a lesbian)
If she don’t like me
(She must be a lesbian)
I’ll let her down lightly
(You must be a lesbian)

I’m at a party, I’m a girl machine
I’m gonna have sex with them all, if you know what I mean
It’s like a sweet sixteen, but the girls are eighteen
And I can’t wait to peel em like a tangerine

I’m gonna g… go down on em like a submarine
Submarines are fun he he he he heee
I-I-I walk to a hottie and turn on my charm
But before I can start I hear a rape alarm

It’s going (woop woop)
I can’t feel my ears I think they’re bleeding
From the (woop woop)
I can’t work out why the girls are screaming

I’m the best looking boy in the world
Ohh wait I bet she likes kissing girls

I still hear the (woop woop)
Maybe if I let her she would (woop) me with a (woop woop)
I can’t work out why the girls don’t fancy me

I’m the best looking boy in sight,
No, hang on…
I bet you like boobies right?

If a girl wont come round
(She must be a lesbian)
Or turns me down
(She must be a lesbian)
If she don’t like me
(She must be a lesbian)
I’ll let her down lightly
(Ohh, You must be a lesbian)

If a girl wont kiss
(She’s taking a piss)
Or get down with this
(I can’t believe it)
If she doesn’t fancy me (wayoo)
She must bat for the other team
She’s a lesbian.

Take two, it’s my rapping debut
I’m having trouble trying to find a better girl to pursue
I’m like a fire truck
What? Full of muscly guys?
I meant a pun where I’d compare the hose to my own size
Ohh…

And then I see her, and I start feeling sick
I say my name is Pogo, you want to jump on my stick? (boing)
I woo her with my words, ask if I can poker face?
She doesn’t see the funny side and sprays my face with mace
It’s going
I can’t feel my eyes I think they’re bleeding
From the
I can’t work out why the girl is screaming

I’m the best looking boy in the world
Ohh wait, unless she likes kissing girls

I still feel the
Maybe she could me up my with a

I can’t work out why the girls don’t fancy me

I’m the best looking boy in sight,
Holy smokes, I bet she likes boobies right?

If a girl wont come round
(She must be a lesbian)
Or turns me down
(She must be a lesbian)
If she don’t like me
(She must be a lesbian)
I’ll let her down lightly
(She must be a lesbian!)

If a girl wont kiss
(She’s taking a piss)
Or get down with this
(I can’t believe it)
If she don’t give me the eye. (wayohh)
She must drive on the other side.
She’s a lesbian.

That girl must be a lesbian.
T-t-that girl must be a lesbian.
T-t-that girl must be a lesbian.
T-t-that girl must be a lesbian.
She’s a lesbian.

I-I-It’s your birthday!
You go girl. What’s your name!?
I like your… shoes.

We are two boys, and we’re looking for two girls.
They are two girls, let’s talk to the girls.
How are you?
What’s your name?
I tried to talk, but I just came, in my pants.
I am sad.
Chatting up to girls is really rad.

If a girl wont come round…
(She must be a lesbian)
Or turns me down…
(She must be a lesbian)
If she don’t like me…
(She must be a lesbian)
I’ll let her down lightly
(Uhh, you’re a lesbian.)

If a girl can act,
(She must be a thespian.)
Is that right? Yeah!
(She must be a thespian.)
If she doesn’t fancy me. (wayhoo)
She must bat for the other team.
She’s a lesbian.

That girl, she must be a lesbian.
(She’s a lesbian.)
That girl, she must be a lesbian.
(She’s a lesbian!)
That girl, she must be a lesbian.
(Lesbiannn.)
That girl, she must-
(Yeah!)
She’s a lesbian.

Les-les-lesbian.
She’s a. That girl she must be a lesbian.
She’s a lesbian.
Les-les-lesbian.
She’s a. That girl she must be a lesbian.
She’s a lesbian.

THE MIDNIGHT BEAST – Just Another Boyband

I see you baby,
Doin’ the dance that I saw on the TV
(Doin’ your dance, I wonder what’s goin’ on in your pants)
You know me baby,
If I sing my song you’re bound to recognize me
(And you’ll sing along, I wonder what’s goin’ on in your thong)
Your heart is mine, notice that I’m,
Singin’ you lines from one of our number one’s
When you get home, then you will know
(Fuckin’ hell, can you not tell that)

We’re just another boy band,
We’ll tear your little sister’s heart apart,
We’re just a fucking boy band,
You might not like us but we’re in the charts.
And in a motherfucking boy band,
The girls are underage but we don’t care,
And when you throw your panties at a boy band,
After the shows we keep your underwear.

Don’t know if it comes as a big surprise
But I’m the token rapper guy
I just sing really high, needlessly randomly improvise
And when our album flops, and all the hope around us dies,
I’m the secret weapon that comes out and says that he likes kissing guys
(What?)
Drink what we piss,
Shag what we kiss,
Live how we wish,
It’s not that easy being me
We may be men, like Action Man,
Our record label made us unable to

We’re all doin’ things that we know ain’t right;
We’re wearing sunglasses at night
We’ve got 100 fans,
That’s why we’re better than your band
The only fan you have is cooling you down
And it seems to be the only thing that’s moving around and around
Just like a circle,
We’re simple yet we’re known,
We’re also square,
We find it hard to go out on our own
Without a problem!
You got a problem? I’ll knock you out, alright?
But please don’t punch me back we’ve got our photo shoot tonight!

Boy band,
We hear the birds around us singing,
We’re just a fucking boy band,
We’re flying but we don’t have wings,
And in a motherfucking boy band,
The girls are underage but we don’t care,
And when you throw your panties at a boy band,
After the shows we keep your underwear.

We’re just another boy band,
We’ll tear your little sister’s heart apart,
We’re just a fucking boy band,
You might not like us but we’re in the charts

THE MIDNIGHT BEAST – I’m So Manly (I Make Men Cry)

Life has always told me I was weak
(Not anymore)
Now I’ve got the wings of a bird and the beak
(Of an eagle type creature)

I’m just so manly
I make all the men around me wipe their eyes,
Look down and cry
At the size of my…

Cock so big and manly girls get killed
(All of the time)
Now I’ve got the balls of an Ox and the build
(Of a very big mountain)

We’re just so manly
We morph into an enormous manly man
With giant hands

I can run a mile with a broken foot
(It doesn’t hurt)
I can make a sand storm turn to soot
(Or any other inanimate objects)

We’re just so manly
That the muscles in our arms turn into guns
When we look at your mum

I can climb a mountain with my nose
(It’s like a claw)
Then I ski back down on a petal from a rose
(To show that I’m still a sensitive manly man)

We’ve so much feeling
That the feelings that we’re feeling have feelings too
But I’m still a man

Yeah I’m so manly
I don’t need to sing like bambi
I chop wood for fun
I shoot a gun
I got Numerous charges of hit n run

I listen to meat loaf
I cry but I don’t have tears though
I did battle with a giant snake
And I did a poo on an earthquake

Poo on an earthquake
Poo on an earthquake
I’m so manly that I
Piss and I don’t shake

Poo on an earthquake
And eat a whole steak
Then I’d run a marathon
Without getting a belly ache

MANLY

THE MIDNIGHT BEAST – Friends For Never

One day were friends forever,
Next day were friends for never.
You say (You say)
Were best friends forever I say,
He say till the end.

Our friendships like a slice of chocolate cake
You’re the icing you’d be the sponge
When we’re together we become…

A perfect way to end a perfect dinner time
Quite substantial, glass of wine
A tasty mint goes down a treat and helps my indigestion.

Digest this factual piece of evidence
I’m your butter you’re my toast
The gravy on my Sunday roast
I’m not a fan of your roasts.

What do you mean,
You told me that you liked the one I cooked the other day
I don’t remember, you said you liked the sprouts,
I don’t know what to say
Then you should shut your mouth.

One day were friends forever
Go take some singing lessons
What was that?
Nothing twat.
You’re a prick
Eat my shit
No thank you, It wouldn’t be nice.

Our friendships kind of like a prostitute (how?)
Quite worn out, yet still quite fit
Quite nice arse great pair of tits
Well that’s not relevant.

Isn’t it?
You’re full of shit and that’s quite relevant
Is it?
I’m going to have a think.
Will you tell me what you think of?
…No

(Enter)
One day we’re friends,
The next we’re not
It’s so confusing the why’s and what (what)
The hell I thought that we were friends just now.
Then I remember we had a row (Oh yeah).

We’re like brad pitt and angela
But we don’t have a child from Cambodia (Uh uh)
I’m sick and tired of us having no fun
Stop being pussys and go and work your
Problems out son cuz I’m done.

One day were born together (One day were born)
Next day it’s stormy weather (Next day were torn)
Who say? – You say?
We’re not friends
I say – He say
Fuck you bender

One day I am your blood brother
Next day it’s fuck your mother
No offence, tell you mum
I think she’s quite nice,
That paticular dig was directed at you,
And not your mother.

My mother use to have a nice smile on her face till,
Dad went out to get more milk.
He never did come back.

THE MIDNIGHT BEAST – Friday

Seven am, waking up in the morning
Gotta be fresh, gotta go downstairs
Gotta have my bowl, gotta have cereal
Seein’ everything, the time is goin’
Tickin’ on and on, everybody’s rushin’
Gotta get down to the bus stop
Gotta catch my bus, I see my friends

Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the weekend

7:45, we’re drivin’ on the highway
Cruisin’ so fast, I want time to fly
Fun, think about fun
You know what it is
I got this, you got this
My friend is by my right, hello
I got this, you got this
Now you know it

Kickin’ in the front seat
Sittin’ in the back seat
Gotta make my mind up
Which seat can I take?

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the weekend

Yesterday was Thursday, Thursday
Today it is Friday, Friday
We-we-we so excited
We so excited
We gonna have a ball today

Tomorrow is Sunderday
(What’s the next day?)
And Saturday comes afterwards
(No, no, that’s not right. Lets do that one more time, sorry, its…)
Tomorrow is Saturday
And Sunday comes afterwards
I don’t want this weekend to end
TMB, The Midnight Beast! Ah!

So I’m chillin’ in the front seat (In the front seat)
In the back seat (In the back seat)
I’m drivin’, cruisin’
Fast lane, switchin’ lanes
With a car on my side (C’mon)
Passin’ by is a school bus in front of me
Makes tick tock, tick tock, wanna scream
Check my time, it’s Friday, it’s a weekend
We gonna have fun, c’mon, fucking hell!

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the week-

It’s Friday, Friday
Gotta get down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend, weekend
Friday, Friday
Gettin’ down on Friday
Everybody’s lookin’ forward to the weekend

Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Partyin’, partyin’ (Yeah)
Fun, fun, fun, fun
Lookin’ forward to the weekend

THE MIDNIGHT BEAST – Daddy

A baby’s born in 1987
Into a family of love and care
His mummy treats him like a gift from heaven
His daddy shows him how to style his hair

A few years later it’s a cold December
And daddy needs to buy some milk and juice
Dad, I want a Twix please, if you remember,
The final words wasted if he only knew that
Dad was running off with the cleaner
She wasn’t even fit
You should have seen her
If she had big tits and no mustache at worse
Dad would never have run away cause I would have banged her first
Dad was running off with a refugee
Before his son had learned his ABCs
Before his son had even learned how to climb a tree
And in case you hadn’t noticed dad that baby was me!

Daddy, I’ll never see you
Daddy, You’ll never see me too
Daddy, you missed my birthday
And I miss you every Father’s Day
Daddy, I want to see you
Daddy, do you want to see me too?
Daddy, are you okay?
So I guess this is happy Father’s Day!

I wonder if you even got my Twix,
You probably gave it to your Spanish bitch and them kids,
Sorry if you think I’m being racist,
But I don’t want my Twix in their Spanish faces,
Dad, just wondering if you have ever had someone else rip your heart out and
Put it in a fire just to watch it melt?
That’s how I feel,
I hope you come back,
So I don’t suffer from another snack attack.
‘Cause dad, when it feel like your heart stops beating
Some people turn to comfort eating
I can laugh now, now that I’m fine,
But I was cramming pork pies into my mouth five at a time
Cheese strings and chicken wings, KFC and Burger King’s onion rings,
I was eating all them things.
I had to go onto Jerry Springer,
‘Cause I was trying to eat my sausage fingers!

Daddy, I’ll never see you
Daddy, You’ll never see me too
Daddy, you missed my birthday
And I miss you every Father’s Day
Daddy, I want to see you
Daddy, do you want to see me too?
Daddy, are you okay?
So I guess this is happy Father’s Day!

THE MIDNIGHT BEAST – Censorshit

Swearing in the name of… NOTHING

Get so much pussy they should call me a vet
Your mum called asking if I were game yet
Like a urinal always taking a piss
My bum is so numb, in other words I don’t give a shit

Fuck you!
I’ll never do what I’m told
Fuck you!
My dick is made out of gold
Fuck you!
Fuck giving a shit
Fuck you!
That fucking censorshit

When I was born I was the focus of the hospital ward
The doctor thought my dick was an umbilical cord
I want REVOLUTION but I don’t know what it means
I never sleep with an animal that was under 16

Fuck you!
I’ll never do what I’m told
Fuck you!
My dick is made out of gold
Fuck you!
Fuck giving a shit
Fuck you!
That fucking censorshit

Fuck you!
I’ll never do what I’m told
Fuck you!
I’ll never do what I’m told
Fuck you!
I’ll never do what I’m told
Fuck you!
I’ll never do what I’m told

Wish that I hated my dad, but he’s not that bad
I’ve got a microphone and testosterone
I’m just an angry guy, but I don’t know why
I hate everything, swearing in the name of… NOTHING!

THE MIDNIGHT BEAST – The Dance Routine

It’s the year of the beast… again
Haha (haha)
Dance crew, we’re a dance crew… what you gonna do?!

My name is Andrew Francis Wakely
Ya haven’t heard bout my childhood lately
I had a room with a lovely view
I traded my skateboard for some ballet shoes… WHAT?!

Have ya never had a fight with a dancer??
Let me finish ya sentence ‘fore you answer
Just because I can move doesn’t mean I couldn’t kick all your teeth out with the back of my shoe… uh

I remember way back in the day
Hanging with my boys smoking weed in the playground
Only difference is that never ever happened
It’s easier to sell ya’ lies when you rappem…

Got a picture in my room,
Of a man that I wish I knew,
All of this loneliness fills me with hunger n’
When I’m dancing it makes me stronger

When there’s no one home
But my friends and me
We lose ourselves in a symphony
If mum and dad, could only see…

So what’s happening, come on team
Hit the mother-fuckers with the dance routine

[DANCE BREAK]

My name is Stefan, James, Donald, John Abingdon
Ever since I was a little kid, number one
I learnt to dance when I was in the womb
My first audience was sat in the recovery room

I was born with little tap shoes on
I’m not sure how they genetically put them on
GAY… okay if I’m gay come ‘ere
I’ll do a time step on ya’ mouth and ya’ ear

I ordered a beat, with an ounce more bounce
Got more digits than Bill gates bank accounts
You should see the women this gets me, believer
Had to get more bouncers than Justin Bieber

When there’s no one home
But my friends and me
We lose ourselves in a symphony
If mum and dad, could only see…

Dance professor, got a PHD
In doing record breaking, booty shaking dance routines

[DANCE BREAK]

My name is Ashley Neil Horne
I’m more wanted than the top shelf porn
Some people think that I’m gay so to prove
That I’m not imma show you all my dance moves

My dance moves will make you think
Got a few rules imma tell you… I don’t drink

Beer ‘cuz don’t like the taste
I don’t eat steak ‘cuz it goes to my waist
Wait around for a while… I’m back
This record’s been a hit since I’ve been on the track

When there’s no one home
But my friends and me
We lose ourselves in a symphony
If mum and dad, could only see

Follow your heart… follow your dreams
Let’s show the whole world the dance routine

When I’m on my own
Or I’m watching Glee
The music takes, a hold on me
If mum and dad, could only see

Billy Elliot
Diversity
Michael Flatley
Stavros Flatley

So what’s happening, come on team
Hit the mother-fuckers with the dance routine

THE MIDNIGHT BEAST – Big Boys

We wrote a parody of a well-known track
And dicked around filming in my parents’ flat
Then put it on a well-known video site
And we got a million views in a night

Wasn’t it a billion?
I thought it was a trillion.
What the hell?
Let’s call it a squillion!
If you haven’t heard of us then wake up!
We’re the Midnight Beast
We like to say “Fuck”

Toured the UK and sold out some shows
Even though we didn’t think anybody would go
Then Channel 4 asked if we’d come in for a chat
And knocked us all out with a baseball bat

We woke up surrounded by staff
Telling us we’re funny and “You make us laugh!”
They pleaded and begged to make a beast show
Telling us they’d give us everything
But we said….

SURE
Big boys
Yeah, we’re big boys
We’re much bigger than small boys
‘Cause we’re big boys
Living in a big-boy world, a big-boy world, a big-boy world
We just moved out

To our very own flat on Channel 4
In our very own show on Channel 4
Then they explained we weren’t good enough for Channel 4
But we’d be on the subsidiary of Channel 4

E4! Wooh! It’s our new home!
But Made in Chelsea sucks!
Hey leave it alone!
We’re not bregging but our show’s the greatest show ever made
So thanks E4 for this lemonade

Big boys
Yeah, we’re big boys
We’re much bigger than small boys
‘Cause we’re big boys
Living in a big-boy world, a big-boy world, a big-boy world
(We just moved out)

THE MIDNIGHT BEAST – Begging

Hey darling, let’s not be coy
You’re just a girl and I’m just a boy
He’s just a boy that wants to have sex
Let us be serious, you could be next.

If you’re lucky, you might fuck me
In a two bedroom flat, in Putney
Then you got with Ash
Woopdy Doo
Wasn’t that your ambition to do?

Why don’t you want him?
I got a perfect body baby
And if you want him
I even think that I would shave it
Got a super power
I can last for half an hour
We can misbehave

Oooo

Baby, when the world ends
You’re gonna be begging me for sex
We’ll be the only people that are left to resurrect
In civilisation
You’re gonna be begging me for juice
We’ll be the only people that are left to reproduce
So when the world ends, ends, ends

If you wanna role play with me
I’ll part your legs
Like Moses to sea
I could be Adam
And you could be Eve
Lend me a bush, I’ll plant a seed

That’s offensive to religion

Oooo

But I just had a sensual vision
So?
I think we’re subtle, I’ll give a clue
I got a boner pick with you

Please I’m begging
For the sake of saving human kind
He’s wearing jeggings
With the hope that it could make you mine
So don’t be bitchy
They’re kind of itchy
This could be our time

Baby, when the world ends
You’ll never be able to say no
I’ll be the only boy until you’ll have to have a go
You’re gonna be desperate
You’re gonna be begging me for kids
We’ll need to save the world so I won’t have to use a lid

Then when the worlds ends
Wohh Ohh Oh
Oh baby when the worlds ends
Wohh Ohh Oh

So don’t be frigid baby
You and me could have a baby
Come on baby, don’t act shady
I’m your man and you’re my lady

Baby

When the world ends
You’re gonna be begging me for sex
I’ll be the only boy who you have left to get erect
You’re gonna be desperate
You’re gonna be begging me for juice
We’ll be the only people that are left to reproduce

So when the world ends
Wohh Ohh Oh
Oh baby, when the world ends
Wohh Ohh Oh
Baby when the world ends, ends, ends
Baby when the world ends, ends, ends
Baby when the world ends!

THE MAGNETIC FIELDS – Papa Was A Rodeo

I like your twisted point of view, Mike
I like your questioning eyebrows
You’ve made it pretty clear what you like
It’s only fair to tell you now

that I leave early in the morning
and I won’t be back till next year
I see that kiss-me pucker forming
but maybe you should plug it with a beer, cause

Papa was a rodeo – Mama was a rock’n'roll band
I could play guitar and rope a steer before I learned to stand
Home was anywhere with diesel gas – Love was a trucker’s hand
Never stuck around long enough for a one night stand
Before you kiss me you should know
Papa was a rodeo

The light reflecting off the mirror ball
looks like a thousand swirling eyes
They make me think I shouldn’t be here at all
You know, every minute someone dies

What are we doing in this dive bar
How can you live in a place like this
Why don’t you just get into my car
and I’ll take you away I’ll take that kiss now, but

Papa was a rodeo…

And now it’s 55 years later
We’ve had the romance of the century
After all these years wrestling gators
I still feel like crying when I think of what you said to me

(boy) Papa was a rodeo…

Before you kiss me you should know – Papa was a rodeo
What a coincidence, your Papa was a rodeo too